Mornings

This Memorial day weekend we went to the beach with some very good friends who have a daughter, Olive, she is very close to Una's age. It was a blast, we went walking on the beach, introduced Olive to her first sand, and watched Una take in the ebb and flow of the ocean for her very first time. We ate big meals, took naps, played solitaire, and drank beer. Funny how the beach with it's quiet waves and soft sand bring on reflection. During these joyful days I reflected on the heartache and pain that we endured to bring Una into the world, the grieving and hope, the sleepless nights and hormone injections, the happy days that intermittently poked their heads out of the gloom. Looking at Olive and Una together I couldn't help but imagine what life would be like if we had never been successful, if Una hadn't chosen us to be her parents in this life. Would I have been able to endure watching our dear friends experience the joy that a child brings knowing I would never feel that?, would I be able to get out of the house at all after experiencing that kind of grief and loss?. I have thought it through and I can't say to be honest, my joy was born again with Una, it now constantly accompanies Tom and I like an old friend that we haven't seen in a while. I don't think I will ever stop reflecting on what it took us to get here, but every morning that I wake up and look at my joy in a onesie, it brings me a little closer to who I was before.